I CANNOT recall what happened during the first months after my illness. I only know that I sat in my mother's lap or clung to her dress as she went about her household duties. My hands felt every object and observed every motion, and in this way I learned to know many things. Soon I felt the need of some communication with others and began to make crude signs. A shake of the head meant“No”and a nod,“Yes”, a pull meant“Come”and a push,“Go”. Was it bread that I wanted? Then I would imitate the acts of cutting the slices and buttering them. If I wanted my mother to make ice-cream for dinner I made the sign for working the freezer and shivered, indicating cold. My mother, moreover, succeeded in making me understand a good deal. I always knew when she wished me to bring her something, and I would run upstairs or anywhere else she indicated. Indeed, I owe to her loving wisdom all that was bright and good in my long night.

I understood a good deal of what was going on about me. At five I learned to fold and put away the clean clothes when they were brought in from the laundry, and I distinguished my own from the rest. I knew by the way my mother and aunt dressed when they were going out, and I invariably begged to go with them. I was always sent for when there was company, and when the guests took their leave, I waved my hand to them, I think with a vague remembrance of the meaning of the gesture.

One day some gentlemen called on my mother, and I felt the shutting of the front door and other sounds that indicated their arrival. On a sudden thought I ran upstairs before any one could stop me, to put on my idea of a company dress. Standing before the mirror, as I had seen others do, I anointed mine head with oil and covered my face thickly with powder. Then I pinned a veil over my head so that it covered my face and fell in folds down to my shoulders, and tied an enormous bustle round my small waist, so that it dangled behind, almost meeting the hem of my skirt. Thus attired I went down to help entertain the company.

I do not remember when I first realized that I was different from other people; but I knew it before my teacher came to me. I had noticed that my mother and my friends did not use signs as I did when they wanted anything done, but talked with their mouths. Sometimes I stood between two persons who were conversing and touched their lips. I could not understand, and was vexed. I moved my lips and gesticulated frantically without result. This made me so angry at times that I kicked and screamed until I was exhausted.

I think I knew when I was naughty, for I knew that it hurt Ella, my nurse, to kick her, and when my fit of temper was over I had a feeling akin to regret. But I cannot remember any instance in which this feeling prevented me from repeating the naughtiness when I failed to get what I wanted.

In those days a little coloured girl, Martha Washington, the child of our cook, and Belle, an old setter, and a great hunter in her day, were my constant companions. Martha Washington understood my signs, and I seldom had any difficulty in making her do just as I wished. It pleased me to domineer over her, and she generally submitted to my tyranny rather than risk a hand-to-hand encounter.

I was strong, active, indifferent to consequences. I knew my own mind well enough and always had my own way, even if I had to fight tooth and nail for it. We spent a great deal of time in the kitchen, kneading dough balls, helping make ice-cream, grinding coffee, quarreling over the cake-bowl, and feeding the hens and turkeys that swarmed about the kitchen steps. Many of them were so tame that they would eat from my hand and let me feel them.

One big gobbler snatched a tomato from me one day and ran away with it.Inspired, perhaps, by Master Gobbler's success, we carried off to the woodpile a cake which the cook had just frosted, and ate every bit of it. I was quite ill afterward, and I wonder if retribution also overtook the turkey.

The guinea- fowl likes to hide her nest in out- of- the- way places, and it was one of my greatest delights to hunt for the eggs in the long grass. I could not tell Martha Washington when I wanted to go egg-hunting, but I would double my hands and put them on the ground, which meant something round in the grass, and Martha always understood. When we were fortunate enough to find a nest I never allowed her to carry the eggs home, making her understand by emphatic signs that she might fall and break them.

The sheds where the corn was stored, the stable where the horses were kept, and the yard where the cows were milked morning and evening were unfailing sources of interest to Martha and me. The milkers would let me keep my hands on the cows while they milked, and I often got well switched by the cow for my curiosity.

The making ready for Christmas was always a delight to me. Of course I did not know what it was all about, but I enjoyed the pleasant odours that filled the house and the tidbits that were given to Martha Washington and me to keep us quiet. We were sadly in the way, but that did not interfere with our pleasure in the least. They allowed us to grind the spices, pick over the raisins and lick the stirring spoons. I hung my stocking because the others did; I cannot remember, however, that the ceremony interested me especially, nor did my curiosity cause me to wake before daylight to look for my gifts.

Martha Washington had as great a love of mischief as I. Two little children were seated on the veranda steps one hot July afternoon. One was black as ebony, with little bunches of fuzzy hair tied with shoestrings sticking out all over her head like corkscrews. The other was white, with long golden curls. One child was six years old, the other two or three years older. The younger child was blind-that was I-and the other was Martha Washington. We were busy cutting out paper dolls; but we soon wearied of this amusement, and after cutting up our shoestrings and clipping all the leaves off the honeysuckle that were within reach, I turned my attention to Martha's corkscrews. She objected at first, but finally submitted. Thinking that turn and turn about is fair play, she seized the scissors and cut off one of my curls, and would have cut them all off but for my mother's timely interference.

Belle, our dog, my other companion, was old and lazy and liked to sleep by the open fire rather than to romp with me. I tried hard to teach her my sign language, but she was dull and inattentive. She sometimes started and quivered with excitement, then she became perfectly rigid, as dogs do when they point a bird. I did not then know why Belle acted in this way; but I knew she was not doing as I wished. This vexed me and the lesson always ended in a one- sided boxing match. Belle would get up, stretch herself lazily, give one or two contemptuous sniffs, go to the opposite side of the hearth and lie down again, and I, wearied and disappointed, went off in search of Martha.

Many incidents of those early years are fixed in my memory, isolated, but clear and distinct, making the sense of that silent, aimless, dayless life all the more intense.

One day I happened to spill water on my apron, and I spread it out to dry before the fire which was flickering on the sitting-room hearth. The apron did not dry quickly enough to suit me, so I drew nearer and threw it right over the hot ashes. The fire leaped into life; the flames encircled me so that in a moment my clothes were blazing. I made a terrified noise that brought Viny, my old nurse, to the rescue. Throwing a blanket over me, she almost suffocated me, but she put out the fire. Except for my hands and hair I was not badly burned.

About this time I found out the use of a key. One morning I locked my mother up in the pantry, where she was obliged to remain three hours, as the servants were in a detached part of the house. She kept pounding on the door, while I sat outside on the porch steps and laughed with glee as I felt the jar of the pounding.This most naughty prank of mine convinced my parents that I must be taught as soon as possible. After my teacher, Miss Sullivan, came to me, I sought an early opportunity to lock her in her room.

I went upstairs with something which my mother made me understand I was to give to Miss Sullivan; but no sooner had I given it to her than I slammed the door to, locked it, and hid the key under the wardrobe in the hall. I could not be induced to tell where the key was. My father was obliged to get a ladder and take Miss Sullivan out through the window-much to my delight. Months after I produced the key.

When I was about five years old we moved from the little vine-covered house to a large new one. The family consisted of my father and mother, two older half-brothers, and, afterward, a little sister, Mildred.

My earliest distinct recollection of my father is making my way through great drifts of newspapers to his side and finding him alone, holding a sheet of paper before his face. I was greatly puzzled to know what he was doing. I imitated this action, even wearing his spectacles, thinking they might help solve the mystery. But I did not find out the secret for several years. Then I learned what those papers were, and that my father edited one of them.

My father was most loving and indulgent, devoted to his home, seldom leaving us, except in the hunting season. He was a great hunter, I have been told, and a celebrated shot. Next to his family he loved his dogs and gun. His hospitality was great, almost to a fault, and he seldom came home without bringing a guest.

His special pride was the big garden where, it was said, he raised the finest watermelons and strawberries in the county; and to me he brought the first ripe grapes and the choicest berries. I remember his caressing touch as he led me from tree to tree, from vine to vine, and his eager delight in whatever pleased me.

He was a famous story-teller; after I had acquired language he used to spell clumsily into my hand his cleverest anecdotes, and nothing pleased him more than to have me repeat them at an opportune moment.

I was in the North, enjoying the last beautiful days of the summer of 1896, when I heard the news of my father's death. He had had a short illness, there had been a brief time of acute suffering, then all was over. This was my first great sorrow-my first personal experience with death.

How shall I write of my mother? She is so near to me that it almost seems indelicate to speak of her.

For a long time I regarded my little sister as an intruder. I knew that I had ceased to be my mother's only darling, and the thought filled me with jealousy. She sat in my mother's lap constantly, where I used to sit, and seemed to take up all her care and time. One day something happened which seemed to me to be adding insult to injury.

At that time I had a much-petted, much-abused doll, which I afterward named Nancy. She was, alas, the helpless victim of my outbursts of temper and of affection, so that she became much the worse for wear. I had dolls which talked, and cried, and opened and shut their eyes; yet I never loved one of them as I loved poor Nancy. She had a cradle, and I often spent an hour or more rocking her. I guarded both doll and cradle with the most jealous care; but once I discovered my little sister sleeping peacefully in the cradle. At this presumption on the part of one to whom as yet no tie of love bound me I grew angry. I rushed upon the cradle and overturned it, and the baby might have been killed had my mother not caught her as she fell. Thus it is that when we walk in the valley of twofold solitude we know little of the tender affections that grow out of endearing words and actions and companionship. But afterward, when I was restored to my human heritage, Mildred and I grew into each other's hearts, so that we were content to go hand-in-hand wherever caprice led us, although she could not understand my finger language, nor I her childish prattle.

生病后幾個月發(fā)生了什么事情，我已經(jīng)記不起來了，只記得我常坐在母親膝蓋上，或者緊拉著母親的裙角，跟著母親到處走動。我用手觸摸每一件物體，感覺每一個動作，通過這種方式，我熟悉了許多東西。我渴望與人交流，于是開始做一些簡單的動作，搖頭表示“不”，點頭表示“是”，拉著別人向著我表示“來”，推向外側表示“去”。當我想吃面包時，我就以切面包、涂黃油的動作來表示。當我想讓母親做冰淇淋時，就會模仿工人制作冰淇淋的動作。我還會做出發(fā)抖的樣子，表示冷的感覺。母親也竭盡所能做出各種動作，讓我了解她的意思，我也總是可以明白母親的意思，去樓上或其他地方給她取東西。說實在話，母親的慈愛和智慧是我在那漫長的黑夜里的光明。

我也慢慢明白了許多發(fā)生在我身上的事情。5歲時，我學會了把洗好的衣裳疊好收起來，把洗衣店送回家的衣服分類，并能分辨出哪些是我自己的。從母親和姑媽的梳洗打扮中，我知道她們要出去，于是我就求她們帶上我。當有親戚朋友來訪時，我總被叫來見客人；他們離開時，我會揮手告別，我還隱約記得這種手勢的意義。

記得有一次，家里有客人來看母親，從大門的一開一關中，我知道了他們的來到。于是，我突發(fā)奇想，趁大家不注意，跑到母親房間，學著母親的樣子在鏡子前梳妝打扮起來，往頭上抹油，在臉上擦了厚厚的粉，用發(fā)卡將面紗固定在頭發(fā)上，讓面紗垂下來輕輕地蓋在臉上，低垂在我肩上。然后我又找了一件肥大的裙子穿在我小巧的身上，讓那大大的裙擺拖在后面。這樣打扮好后，我就幫助他們去接待客人。

我已經(jīng)記不清楚是什么時候第一次意識到自己和別人有所不同了，但是我知道這應該是我的老師來之前的事。我曾注意到母親和我的朋友們都是用嘴巴交談，而不像我用手比劃。因此，我會站在兩個談話者之間，用手摸他們的嘴巴，可是我仍然不能明白他們的意思。于是我也蠕動嘴唇，并用力做手勢，想和他們交談，可是一點用都沒有。我氣憤極了，又踢又叫，直到筋疲力盡。

當我無理取鬧的時候，我想我自己很清楚，可是一旦我氣極了，我就難以控制得住，就像我明白踢傷保姆艾拉一樣，我知道她很痛，所以當我氣消時，心里就會覺得很愧疚。但是當事情又不能稱心如意時，我還是會發(fā)瘋般地亂踢亂打。

在那些日子里，我有兩個朝夕相處的好伙伴，一個是黑人女孩瑪莎·華盛頓，她是我們家廚師的女兒；另一個是一只名叫貝爾的老獵狗。瑪莎·華盛頓很容易就能明白我的手勢，所以每次讓她去做什么事情，她都能很快做好。能夠讓瑪莎聽命于我讓我很高興，她非常聽我的話，甚至我的無理取鬧她通常也絕對服從。她從不和我打架，而是努力完成我讓她做的任何事情。

我的身體一向結實，人又好動，感情沖動時完全不顧后果。我非常自負，總喜歡我行我素，有時為了實現(xiàn)目的甚至不惜一戰(zhàn)。在那個時期，我和瑪莎在廚房度過了不少時光，一起揉面團，做冰淇淋，磨咖啡豆，或者為了幾個點心而爭吵不休，或者和她一起喂在廚房臺階上散步的母雞和火雞，這些家禽是如此溫順，一點兒也不怕人，它們在我手上吃食，并乖乖地讓我撫摸它們。

有一天，一只大雄火雞搶走了我手中的番茄。也許是受到火雞的啟發(fā)，我和瑪莎也從廚房偷走了剛烤好的蛋糕，躲在柴堆中吃得干干凈凈，可是事后吃壞了肚子，這可能就是偷東西的報應，卻不知那只火雞是否也受到了同樣的懲罰。

珍珠雞喜歡在隱蔽處筑巢，我特別愛到深草叢中去尋找它們的蛋。我雖不能對瑪莎說要去找雞蛋，但我可以把兩手合成圓形放在地上，以表示草叢里有某種圓形的東西，瑪莎總是一看就能明白。如果我們有幸找到了雞窩，我絕不允許瑪莎拿著蛋回家，我用手勢向她強調，她拿著蛋，一摔跤就會把雞蛋打碎的。

對于我和瑪莎來說，存儲糧食的倉庫、養(yǎng)馬的廄槽、早上和晚上給奶牛擠奶的草場，全都充滿了我們童年永不褪色的回憶，也給了我們無窮無盡的樂趣。我還記得，擠奶工人擠牛奶時，常常讓我把手放在奶牛身上，我也因為好奇而被牛尾打了好多次。

對我來說，準備慶祝圣誕節(jié)也是一件非常令人愉快的事情，雖然我不明白過節(jié)的意義，但是我喜歡家里因為節(jié)日而到處彌漫的歡快和愉悅，至于大人賞給瑪莎和我的美味，更是我們所喜愛的。即使是在傷心的時候，我也會因為圣誕節(jié)的到來而心情開朗起來。過節(jié)時，家人會讓我們磨香料、挑選葡萄干、舔那些攪拌過食物的調羹。我也模仿別人，把長襪子掛起來，然而我對圣誕老人的禮物并不真的感興趣，所以也不會因為興奮好奇而天不亮就爬起來看襪子里裝了什么禮物。

瑪莎·華盛頓也和我一樣喜歡搞惡作劇。在7月一個炎熱的午后，我和瑪莎坐在陽臺的石階上，膚色黝黑的瑪莎用鞋帶把她絨毛般的頭發(fā)扎成一束束的，看上去就像很多螺絲錐長在頭上。而我皮膚白皙，一頭長長的金黃色卷發(fā)。一個6歲，另一個大兩三歲。那個小點兒的盲童就是我，另一個就是瑪莎·華盛頓。我們兩人坐在石階上剪紙娃娃，但是不久我們厭倦了，于是就把鞋帶剪碎，又去剪石階邊用手夠得到的冬青葉子。突然，我的注意力轉向瑪莎那一頭“螺絲錐”。一開始，瑪莎還掙扎著不肯讓我剪，可最后還是屈服了。因為游戲必須公平，于是瑪莎抓起剪刀剪下我一縷頭發(fā)，若不是母親及時發(fā)現(xiàn)并制止，瑪莎很可能把我的頭發(fā)全部剪光了。

貝爾，也就是那只獵狗，是我的另一個伙伴。它既老又懶，喜歡躺在暖爐旁睡覺，一點也不愛陪我玩。它也不夠精明，我竭盡全力教它手語，但是它又懶又笨，根本不懂我在做什么。有時貝爾也會突然興奮地狂奔起來，這時它看上去就像瞄準了獵物的機敏獵狗，威風凜凜的。我不明白它為什么會這樣，但它不聽我的指揮是肯定的。對此我很著急，但無論如何我只是一廂情愿而已。對于我的種種努力，貝爾總是無精打采地爬起來，伸伸懶腰，嗅嗅暖爐，然后又在另一端躺下，一點也不理會我的指揮。我覺得自討沒趣，便又去找瑪莎玩。

我童年的記憶充滿了零碎的片斷，雖然孤獨，但是非常清晰生動，它使我在沒有聲音、沒有光明，甚至沒有前途的情況下，仍然能夠強烈地感受這個世界。

一天，我不小心把水濺到了裙子上，就把裙子攤開來放在臥室采暖爐的邊上，想把它烘干。但是裙子干得不夠快，我就直接把裙子放在暖爐的熱灰上面。突然，火一下子著了起來，包圍了我，連我的衣裳也燒著了。我發(fā)出了可怕的叫聲，老奶奶維尼趕來了，用一床毯子裹住我，我差點兒窒息，但火也被撲滅了。除了手和頭發(fā)之外，我其余的地方燒得并不太厲害。

大約在這個時期，我發(fā)現(xiàn)了鑰匙的妙處，對它的使用方法表現(xiàn)出了濃厚的興趣。一天早晨，我把母親鎖在儲藏室里，這時仆人們都在屋外干活，結果母親被鎖在里面足足有3個小時。她一直用力地敲門，而我卻坐在走廊前的臺階上，因為感覺到敲門的震動而咯咯地笑個不停。由于我的這次惡作劇，父母決定盡快請人來管教我，于是我的家庭教師——莎莉文小姐走進了我的生命中，但我還是找機會把她鎖在了她的房間里。

一次，母親讓我上樓送東西給莎莉文老師，我回轉身的時候，鎖上了房門，把鑰匙藏在客廳角落的衣柜下。我沒有說出藏鑰匙的地方，父親不得不搭了一架梯子，將莎莉文老師從窗戶中接了出來，我當時得意極了。幾個月之后，我才把鑰匙交出來。

當我大約5歲的時候，我們從那所爬滿蔓藤的房子搬到了一所更大的新房子。我們家有父親、母親、兩個異母哥哥，后來又有一個小妹妹米爾德里德。

我對父親最初而且清晰的記憶，是我有一次穿過一大堆的報紙，來到父親跟前。他當時獨自一人舉著一大張紙，遮住了臉部。我很奇怪，想知道父親在干什么，于是也學著他的樣子，舉起一張紙，甚至戴上了他的眼鏡，以為這樣就可以知道了。但是多年來我一直沒有搞明白，后來我才知道那些紙都是報紙，而我父親是其中一份報紙的編輯。

父親非常仁慈寬厚，對家庭充滿了熱愛。除了打獵季節(jié)，他很少離開我們。有人告訴我說，他是個好獵人和神槍手。除了家人，他最愛的就是狗和獵槍。他非常好客，幾乎有些過分，沒有一次回家不帶回客人的。

他還有一個特殊的愛好，就是侍弄果園。有人說，父親栽的西瓜和草莓是全村最好的。他總是給我?guī)碜钤玳L熟的葡萄和最好的草莓吃，我還記得他常常溫柔慈愛地帶著我在果林和瓜田中散步，他給我的快樂與關愛無論我在哪里都會伴隨著我，讓我感到非常快樂。

父親還是講故事的高手，在我知道寫字之后，他經(jīng)常把許多有趣的故事寫在我手上，我會高興地大笑起來。最令他高興的，則莫過于聽我復述他講過的故事。

1896年，我正在北方享受那怡人的夏天的最后美景，突然傳來了父親去世的噩耗。他病了很短一段時間，在經(jīng)過一陣急性發(fā)作之后，很快就去世了。這是我第一次嘗到悲痛的滋味，也是我對死亡的最早體驗。

我該如何描述我的母親呢？她對我來說是如此的親近，我反而不知道從何處開始說了。

長時間以來，我一直將我的小妹妹看成是一個入侵者。我認為我被分走了母親唯一的愛，因此心中滿懷嫉妒。她常常坐在母親的腿上，而那是我以前常坐的位置，她似乎奪走了母親所有的關愛和時間。后來發(fā)生了一件事，使我覺得不僅被分割了母愛，而且受了侮辱。

那時，我有一個心愛異常的洋娃娃，我后來給它起名“南茜”。它是我脾氣發(fā)作時無辜的犧牲品，被我玩得破舊不堪。雖然我有許多洋娃娃，它們有的會說話，有的會哭鬧，有的會眨眼，但我最喜歡的還是可憐的南茜。南茜有一個搖籃，我經(jīng)常好幾個小時在搖籃旁邊搖她玩。我以最大的嫉妒心護衛(wèi)著我的洋娃娃和搖籃。一天，我發(fā)現(xiàn)妹妹正舒舒服服地睡在搖籃里。那時，我正嫉妒她奪走了母愛，對她當然沒有任何愛心，又如何能容忍她睡在搖籃里呢？我勃然大怒，沖向搖籃，將它掀翻。妹妹掉到地上時，如果不是母親及時趕來接住，可能就會摔死了。這時我已經(jīng)既盲又聾，正處于雙重孤獨的低谷中，所以領略不到親熱的語言和憐愛的行為以及伙伴之間所產(chǎn)生的感情。后來，當我回復到人的本性之后，妹妹米爾德里德和我變得心靈相通，我們手拉著手到處游玩，盡管她看不懂我的手語，我也聽不見她咿咿呀呀的童音。