A bird on the plate is worth two on the bonnet.

FACE A fertile, open expanse, lying midway between collar button and scalp, and full of cheek, chin and chatter. The crop of the male face is hair, harvested daily by a lather, or allowed to run to mutton-chops, spinach or full lace curtains. The female face product is powder, whence the expression, "Shoot off your face."

Each is supplied with lamps, snufflers and bread boxes.

FAILURE The quickest method known for making money.

FEINT A pugilist's bluff.

FAINT A woman's bluff.

FAITH A mental accomplishment whereby an ear-ache becomes a Symphony Concert, a broken finger a diamond ring and a "touch" an invitation to dine.

FAKE A false report.

FAKIR A false reporter.

FAME Having a brand of cigars named after you.

FAMILY Originally a wife and several children, a matter of pride to the possessor. Now obsolete among the careful, or confined to the wife, a bull pup and a canary bird.

FARE The cost of a ride. See old adage, "Only the brave can work their fare."

FAULT About the only thing that is often found where it does not exist.

FICTION The Constitutional fiat that "all men are created equal."

FIDDLER A violinist before he becomes the virtuoso who refuses to play a real tune.

FIRMNESS That admirable quality in ourselves that is detestable stubbornness in others.

FIG Nothing. Note, "I don't care a fig," etc.

FIG LEAF A small outer garment, next to nothing, worn by Adam 4000 B. C. and occasionally revived by Bostonian Art Committees.

FISHING An heroic treatment tried by some laymen to avoid falling asleep in church on Sunday.

FLAT A series of padded cells, commonly found in cities, in which are confined harmless monomaniacs who imagine Home to be a Sardine Box.

FLATTERY Cologne water, to be smelled of but not swallowed.

FLUE An escape for hot air.

FLUENCY The art of releasing the same.

FLUSH From Grk. phlox, heat. A rush of color to the cheek, or hand, caused by bodily--or poker--heat.

FLY A familiar summer boarder who mingles with the cream of society, gets stuck on the butter and leaves his specs behind.

FLY-SCREEN An arrangement for keeping flies in the house.

FOOT The understanding of a girl from the west.

FOOT-PATH Chicago, Ill.

FOOTBALL A clever subterfuge for carrying on prize-fights under the guise of a reputable game.

FOREIGNER One who is eligible to the police force. From Grk. fero, to carry off, and enara, spoils. One who carries off the spoils.

FORBEARANCE The spirit of toleration shown when a man who knows, patiently listens to a fool who does not.

FRANC Twenty cents, in French.

FRANKFURTERS Four for twenty, in German. Derived from frank, open, and fortitude, meaning brave. Sold in the open and eaten by the brave.

FROST An old flame after the engagement is broken off.

FUN Joy.

FUNCTION Devoid of joy.

As ye sew, so shall ye rip.